Red Letter
by Ellourrah
Summary: A series of short one-shots centered around the holidays -let the hilarity ensue


Valentine's Youmas were the worst there were. Seriously, the stupid aliens really had a knack for picking the ugliest, nastiest, stinkiest monsters and reserve them for a day such as this. It was disgusting. Besides, everyone knows they're going to strike on any given national holiday, and they'll usually do it with a theme to match as well. It was so, so tacky. The only monsters that came close to ranking second on the list was Christmas. It didn't seem to matter which evil organization you worked for, you still had to coat the thing in red polyester and tinsel. But at least _they_ had the decency to be flammable.

"Now, see here Mr. Fluffibuns!" Sailor Moon began, still gawking at the giant, plushy monstrosity. Seriously, who designed these things! It had been gallivanting around the main street eating the empty flowerpots by the dozen. "I need you to just settle down enough to get dusted!"

"Odango-brain! Just fire already!" Mars scoffed, still nursing a twisted ankle. This fight was just…utterly ridiculous and it was cutting in on her romance novel! She glowered, angry to have been removed so early –and by such a formidable doe…er…foe. The big, wetly glimmering black eyes stared at her with all the gut wrenching cuteness of a baby on caffeine.

"Seriously! A stuffed deer? What the heck were they thinking?" Jupiter scoffed from the sidelines, unable and unwilling to help dust something so pathetic. "I just wanna go back to cooking! I was making French soufflé!" the lightning senshi dug her boot into the cement and leaned back across the car. Both gloved hands were covering her eyes as her head shook back and forth in disturbed confusion. "Although I could change it to venison if this doesn't stop _right now_!"

"I'm almost positive that this is meant to be a distraction. It doesn't even seem to be attacking people." Mercury added, sliding herself in next to Jupiter and pulling up a second window over the readouts. Curious green eyes slid sideways just enough to catch the genius playing Donkey Kong.

"Why are we even here again?" She grumbled, wishing she'd brought her own phone for just that reason.

"Because somebody here just has to be a nega-magnet!" Violet purple eyes burned toward the unconscious red-head stuffed into the back seat behind her. She grimaced, leaning down to check the offended ankle. "And because blondie over there literally could not hit the broad side of a barn if her life depended on it!"

"I heard that! Besides, at least I didn't trip over myself this time!" The winded girl paused long enough to side-step a steaming pile of unpleasantness before hurling the disk again, narrowly missing her target.

"You try fighting in these heels! I'm surprised this is the first it's ever happened!" she glared at the blood red pump as if it were all the stiletto's fault for being a ridiculous choice of war footwear.

"Just use the heel end. It's a metal spike." Jupiter demonstrated, leaning herself farther back as her hands went to downward-hacking motion.

"Guys! Why am I fighting this alone again?" the whiny, screeching voice broke through the pending argument, just enough to distract the Senshi back to the problem at hand.

"Let's call it practice!" Mars hollered back, picking at a bit of lint caught on the edge of her skirt. "It's a plushie, Odango-chan! Literally. Just take its head like a gummy bear and let's ditch this place!"

"So…is this what it takes to be a Senshi? You just…fight giant…children's toys?" Someone murmured quietly from the left. Smoldering purple eyes glanced sideways, both surprised and amused to see who had wandered in off the street. Mamoru was swinging a bag of groceries in one hand and had stuffed the other into his pocket to ward off the cold February air. The fire senshi couldn't help but laugh on the inside. Even without his memories, the guy could _not_ stay away.

"Got any popcorn in that bag?" She asked conspiratorially, hoping Moon hadn't seen the new arrival yet. The man unconsciously reached inside and drew out a small box, handing it to her without words. She hardly had to touch the bag inside before it started cracking like fireworks. The other two turned automatically, eyes trained to her hand.

"Woah, is that movie butter?" Jupiter asked, her mouth seething all the sudden.

Moon threw one last time, flicking her wrist just enough to cause her tiara to spin a hard right at the last second. The glowing disk blew through the soft hide, taking with it tufts of white and brown. She huffed, irritable that the others hadn't even bothered to help! Angry blue eyes fled through the billowing stuffing, only to burst wide in astonishment.

There, looking like it was the most natural thing in the world, stood Mamoru. He was eating popcorn. With the Senshi! As if it was normal! She stalked over, hardly believing her eyes and fighting the desire to scream to the heavens that he'd gotten his memories back. However, his eyes remained the same, flat shade of blue as he glanced in her direction. Rather than squeal at the injustice of it all –and on Valentine's no less! -she watched as he lifted the last fluff of buttery white and raise it to his mouth.

"Hey, wanna share that last piece?" She cooed, caught by the strange mood of the night more than logic. His dark eyebrows receded harshly, and the bag of groceries dropped to the floor.

"D-did Sailor Moon just offer to make out with me?" He leaned back, a little closer to Mars, and whispered. The brunette nodded, licking the buttery goodness from her sizzling fingertips.

"Yeah. Better take her up on it; she pouts when she doesn't get her way."

"I had no idea you senshi were so forward." He gulped, suddenly feeling the ground give way as her lips closed over his fingers –oh, and the popcorn. Her sly white-gloved hands slid around his neck as if she'd done it a million times, and roughly pulled the man down for a hot, bone-searing kiss.

Jupiter was quickly wiping the awkward from her face as she watched the two get down to business on a public street, shaking her head the whole way. Seriously, they needed to just…get a room. Or a mansion. Or a planet? Was it ok that his hands were there? Rather than gawk, she turned heatedly toward the floating guts of their recently deceased enemy and smacked her face in a palm. "Um, I'm pretty sure it left a chocolate dropping on the street. Do we clean it up?"

"Nah, that's what city maintenance workers are paid for." Mars stated distractedly before inching herself away from the car altogether.

"Seriously, we should make Venus clean it. Once she's done with her rugby player, anyway." The frigid wind tugged at her curly brown hair as she spoke, whipping around in her face to block out the others. Thank the heavens!

"Hey, so what do you think this was meant to distract us from?" The squeak erupted from their silent companion, sending two pairs of eyes toward the genius senshi. Her face matched Mars' fuku for brightness and intensity, and practically took on a Spartan glow as the moaning broke through.

"I'm telling you, it's that nega-magnet." Mars growled distractedly, though her eyes traitorously latched onto the steamy couple in abject misery. It wasn't so much that Moon got what she wanted all the time, it was the fact she got it even when the other person had no clue what she was getting. It was like the Universe decided that making out with your ex on the lover's holiday was required.

"I think the bad guys like redheads."

* * *

"Hey, Mamoru-san! Hello! I got us some Chinese food to share! Hello?" the pounding resumed, just enough to disturb the other tenants down the hall. A frustrated puff of air blew sandy auburn bangs upward. It wasn't like the heartthrob had anyone else to spend Valentine's with, right? Especially since she'd taken care of that dumb blond!

Ann bit her lip in frustration before retreating back down the hall.

* * *

AN Haha, not what you thought it would be, was it? Yes, I tried to write something romantic, and yes I failed horribly. But the good news is it's hilarious.

The really, really good news is I have a Valentine's gift for everyone that will hit the web next week. Be excited. Be very excited.

E


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